A Chronological List of Things Yoda Tried (and Completely Failed) To Do

by Deathstarpr

ImageArguably the greatest Jedi Master of all time, Yoda was renowned throughout the galaxy for his ability with the Force and his great wisdom. Of all of his insights, probably his most famous piece of advice was given to Luke Skywalker on Dagobah: “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.”

Whilst we could spend time plenty of time explaining why this makes Yoda pretty much the single worst teacher of all time, we decided instead to check a few things called “facts” and see how Yoda stacked up against his own advice. Without further ado, here is a (non-exhaustive) chronological list of things the grossly incompetent Jedi Master tried (and completely failed) to do:

  • Convince Qui-Gon not to train Anakin.
  • Convince Obi-Wan not to train Anakin (several times).
  • Bully Anakin into not training to be a Jedi (no crap you sense fear in him, Yoda. He’s a nine-year-old kid who’s just been taken from his mother and is now standing in a room full of magical judgemental old people talking to a space goblin).
  • Realise that the only way ANYBODY could “Bring balance to the Force” would be by killing a crap load of Jedi.
  • Figure out the identity of the Sith Lord mastermind behind everything (despite INCREDIBLY FREQUENTLY BEING IN THE SAME ROOM).
  • Beat Count Dooku in a lightsaber fight.
  • Prevent Count Dooku from getting away after their lightsaber fight.Image
  • STILL not figuring out the identity of the Sith Lord, even when Palpatine had used his Supreme Chancellor’s emergency powers to essentially become a dictator, EVEN THOUGH A SEMI-SENTIENT POTATO WITH THE SIMPLEST GRASP OF LOGIC AND NO FORCE POWERS WHATSOEVER COULD HAVE PUT 2+2 TOGETHER.
  • Stop Palpatine from forcing Anakin to take a seat on the Jedi Council.
  • Helping Anakin when the kid turned to Yoda for advice, instead telling him to, “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” (What does that even mean??)
  • Fail utterly to prevent the ENTIRE JEDI ORDER FROM BEING RELENTLESSLY MURDERED BY CLONE TROOPERS (Sense their deaths from billions of miles away? Sure. Use my amazing Force powers to actually warn them about stuff? No way!).
  • Save any remaining Jedi from a trap at the Jedi Temple (this probably would have been more helpful if any of them had still been alive at this point).
  • Convince Obi-Wan (and later Luke) that Anakin had been “consumed by Darth Vader” and was incapable of being saved or redeemed (nailed that one, Yoda!).
  • Beat Palpatine in a lightsaber duel.
  • Convince Luke to stay on Dagobah and finish his Jedi training rather than rushing to save his friends at Bespin.
  • Convince Luke he wasn’t ready to confront Vader.
  • Grasp the rules of basic English (or Galactic Basic where we come from), in spite of having had NINE HUNDRED YEARS TO FIGURE IT OUT.

The moral of the story is, the next time a gramatically-challenged swamp-dwelling hypocritical magic space goblin tries to give YOU advice about how to live your life, maybe just point him to this list, hop back into your X-Wing and get the Force out of there.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s